it can only go up from here?

today wasnt too bad seeing him. we talked about a bunch of different things, he made me laugh. i dont know, i think it was definitely less awkward. i think the one thing that really decreased my confidence & kind of my mood all together, was the i walked in silence by myself to my car. no attempt to wait for me or walk with me. i think that was the only thing that was the most, i guess, upsetting in a way? i mean, i dont want to sound like a crazy stalker or something or some kind of lunatic but i just really think i want something to happen from all of this. anna said it will get better and i believe her. i made my move, now i guess i just have to wait on him to make his. for some reason, and i know this will sound crazy, but he kept trying to say something but he either said he forgot waht he was going to say or he just stopped talking completely. in my crazy, infatuated mind, i seriously wanted to believe that he wanted to ask if we could hang out sometime. of course, like i said, im a little nuts so im sure it wasnt that at all. he never did tell me what he wanted to say though. anyway, im home now & im quite hungry. ive got work at 4 & i have no idea what im going to do in the meantime. ill figure something out. if anything else happens, ill post something if i remember :)

YES, OH MY GOD!!!!

30 SECONDS TO MARS ADDED A SECOND SHOW FOR THEIR 'MARS 300' SCHEDULED FOR TUESDAY DECEMBER 6TH @ HAMMERSTEIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED TO SAVE MY MONEY; I AM GETTING THOSE TICKETS & FINDING A WAY TO GET TO NEW YORK EVEN IF IT FUCKING KILLS ME!!!!! (hopefully it will kill me after the show)

last night...

after i posted, i took a shower then decided i should probably go to sleep since by the time i got out of the shower it was 12:05. i had already shut down my computer but i didnt turn my phone off so i thought maybe i would check  my twitter & facebook. twitter: nothing interesting. facebook: waiting for the page to load.....REPLY MESSAGE!!!!! :D i was sooooo happy. he said that he would definitely want to chill some time, although he's usually really busy with work but as soon as he's free he would let me know :) i was so relieved that he messaged me back before tuesday. the nervous/panic feeling is gone, but the nervousness of seeing & talking to him on tuesday will definitely come back. i texted anna & melissa from work to let them know. havent heard back from melissa, but anna was so fucking happy for me. anyway, just wanted to let the world know that i was finally able to sleep peacefully last night. now ive got to go write my 4 page life-span psychology essay thats due tomorrow night lol, im a failure.

this city is my city

listening to "This City" by Patrick Stump. its so weird listening to his solos stuff when im so used to fall out boy. i dont know, its just such a different sound but its pretty good. today really only consisted of waking up at 10:45, watching the first half of the bears game, buying some stuff for the apartment then going down there with susie to finish painting & start cleaning. thankfully the painting is done. we put up the shower curtain, put the cup & soap pump in the bathroom after i cleaned all but the floor. then we hung up most of our blackhawks stuff in the front hallway. thats most of what we got done. surprisingly we were down there for like 6 hours but it didnt seem like we got as much done as i had hoped we would get done. but i guess, better something got done rather than nothing. ok, so the real reason i wanted to blog was just to complain some more that i messaged this guy on thursday & still havent got a reply back from him. hes been on facebook and updated his status & posted pictures but i havent gotten a reply. ughh, im starting to get nervous again. we have class together on tuesday and i dont know what hes going to say, if he says anything at all. LKJAER;OIHDFVN'APSDFK IM SO NERVOUS! im going to go read some pych-today articles to see if what i did was the right decision and see how these events usually turn out on average. when & if he responds ill post again or if he doesnt, ill post when i get his reaction on tuesday.....oh god save me :/

fuck the world & all who inhabit it

last night i posted that i messaged the guy that i like on facebook and told him that i thought he was a sweet guy & that if he wanted, we should hang out. well today ive been constantly checking facebook to see if he messaged me back: nothing. so i went to work this morning did all that fun shit, then me, my little sister & her 2 friends went to the apartment to paint then we came home. i checked facebook (still no message) but he updated his status. im hoping that he either didnt see the message for some reason or he was getting ready to go to the concert hes going to tonight so he couldnt reply (im not a creep, it was on his facebook status that hes going to a concert tonight, which is conviently located right do the street from my apartment where i was only a couple hours ago). i dont know, like i said last night, i dont want it to be awkward between us because we still have class together until december, but i dont want a negative reaction. ughhh why is life so frickin difficult?! then to top off that complete shit storm, i was just on jared leto's twitter page & he tweeted "HOLY SHIT, THE NYC SHOW SOLD OUT IN MINUTES!!! Thank you so much for that #MARS300" so now im insanely depressed that im obviously not going to new york to see their final performance and im depressed & worried because i havent gotten a message back from the guy i like. oh, and the blackhawks are losing; thats the fucking cherry on top. i honestly dont want to go to class on tuesday if i dont get a reply back, that would be so fucking awkward. id be walking in blind, not knowing what to expect. but if i dont go that would make the pressure 10 times worse and then thursday i might actually want to kill myself. jesus, i dont know what to do with myself. i told him how i felt, now i feel like a complete dumbass. whatever i said what i needed to & he should be flattered that i worked up the courage to tell him how i felt, granted i did tell him through a facebook message but in all honesty, i would have chickened out if i tried to say it to his face. but who cares, at least i did it. i mean, really, we talk every class, we never pay attention to what were supposed to be doing, we're always laughing, id ont know if im reading too much into it, but i just want a nice person to be with. seriously, i kinda want a boyfriend at this point. im sick of sitting at home (like i am now) doing absolutely nothing (im actually leaving to get my sister from six flags in a few minutes, so technically im not doing nothing) with no one here with me. i really just want to sit with someone and hold someone's hand or lay down with someone. i mean, dont get me wrong i love being with anna, shes my best friend i love that i can talk to her about anything and i can say goofy things and she'll think its funny, but i guess i just truely want a boyfriend. its pretty sad that im 19, almost 20 years old and i dont have a boyfriend. this is the point in someone's life where people start realizing who they want to spend the rest of their life with. people are having kjids at 25, 26 and 27 years old and ive never had an actual boyfriend. i dont know whats wrong with me. i know im pretty antisocial but i dont know how to approach a situation like this. i guess telling, this guy that i like him was the first step in moving forward. im so afraid of rejection that i dont want to be the one to say that i like someone, so maybe thats my problem. then again, i dont talk to too many guys (like i said, because im antisocial) so that could also be the bigger issue.  ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh this is so frustrating. well, anna is actually on her way over then me, her & my mom are going to pick up my sister & her friend from six flags...fucking joy. when he (if he) messages me back, ill post what goes down (i.e. what he says & how i react) hopefully it will be a positive post, because god knows i need some positivity in my life right now. 

my day:

went from bad to worse to WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST DO?! it was bad because 30 Seconds To Mars's 300th & final show in New York is practically sold out and its only presale :/ this ijust sucks ass. it got worse because 30 minutes before i had to leave for work, the sink in the laundry room started to overflow and there was water all over the floor which i had to clean up :/ then "what the fuck did i just do?!" is because i messaged this guy that i like on facebook and told him that i think hes sweet and nice and really funny. i couldnt hit send so i asked my boss to do it. ughhhh i feel so stupid. im so afraid of what his reaction is going to be. i told anna and she seems to think that he'll be really nice in his response (if he responds at all) so idk. im just a nervous wreck. a part of me wishes i didnt do it because i still have to sit next to him in my social psych class for another 7 weeks, but another part of me is glad i did it because it honestly feels like a weight was lifted off my chest. it was seriously bothering me all day at work and then i messaged him (was still a little freaked out) but now i feel a little better.  i really hope i get a good response from him and i hope he doesnt think im a complete moron. oh god, i want to skip my class on tuesday (next ttime i see him) but i think that would just make it worse. ok, well i just wanted to get that out. going to watch a nightmare on elm street with my little sister then im going to bed. working in the morning then going to the apartment to start painting.

i wanted to cut my nails but i wound up biting them instead.

wow, havent been on in over a month. kinda hard to keep track of everything ive done in that span of time. im not even sure where to start. im literally sitting here trying to think of what to write.

ok, well this was the first thing that just popped into my head so ill start here: i sit next to this kid in one of my psychology classes; really sweet, funny, easy to talk to but i always keep eye contact between us brief because if i look at him to long i cant help but smile (lame, i know). anyway. in the past week or two hes been walking with me out to the parking lot, slowing down his walk so i can keep up (because if he kept his normal pace, he would practically be running) *checking twitter, hold on* anyway...hes just a nice guy. a little racist but nobodys perfect. ive just been thinking about him a lot recently. i know i havent known him very long, but it would be nice if something good came out of it all. i mean, we graduated together & he was in my journalistic writing class senior year but we never knew the other person even existed so this is a good start to something i guess. besides the latest boy, we're moving. i dont remember if i stated that in my last post, but yep...were moving to the city. away from comfy suburban life & into the hustle & bustle of the L system & homeless people trying to bum cigerettes & extra change off passersby. well, technically we will be living just north of the city, but sill, the train is half a block away & its a 15 minutes ride to the loop. me & my youngest sister are going to be sharing a studio apartment & my mom, her boyfriend & my other sister will be sharing a 2-bedroom apartment (in the same building of course). ughhh i DO NOT want to physically move; we have too much crap. all of my stuff & my little sisters stuff is pretty much moved but theres still 3/4 of the house to pack. its just a big headache. i think it will be kind of nice though to get out of the same routine in the same stupid, stuck-up, spoiled, rich kid neighborhood. plus, being so close to the city & with all the diversity means there will be more to do. luckily i have a job or else i would be stuck in the apartment doing nothing because everything to do in the city is so fucking expensive. another plus side is that anna can spend the night on monday nights whenever she wants to because she has a super late class on monday nights so she usually stays at her aunts house so shes not coming home at 11 pm every week. i dont know, im sure it wont be too bad. i think the worst part will be the driving back & forth. my gas tank will not like me too much for that. another thing that just came to my mind was what i was informed of today: 30 Seconds To Mars's 300th & FINAL show of this year & of their This Is War album tour is happening in New York on December 7th at the Hammerstein Ballroom. I really really REALLY want to go, but no one will ever get the ok from their parents to go to NY, my mom will NEVER agree to it & theres no way ill be able to scrounge up the money for a roundtrip plane ticket, a hotel room, cab fares & the ticket for the show. its so depressing because that would so amazing to go to & also really sad at the same time. but since i know going to the show will never happen, ive officially decided that instead of mourning MARS's break/last show i will be getting my MARS tattoos on December 7th to celebrate their 300th show...& no, i dont mean its the 300th show theyve ever performed, i mean its the 300th show theyve performed on this cycle of This Is War, which, coincidentely broke the Guinness World Record for "Most Shows Performed During a Single Album Cycle". 300 SHOWS JUST TO PROMOTE & PERFORMS SONGS FROM 'THIS IS WAR' OH MY GOD!!!!! this is one of the many, infinite reasons why i am so deeply involved & in love & inspired by this band. "We will never stop until the Echelon are happy" that quote came from the brilliant mind of Jared Leto who has taught me that you can always reach for the sky & acheive your dreams. of course, on the 7th of December i probably will spend most of the day crying because ill be so upset that theyll be taking a break but theyll be back eventually. im not saying that shouldnt take a break because i want to see them again & i want to hear new music (which is all true but like i said thats not the point) the point is that they NEED a break! they are so tired & none of the guys have been 100% recovered from illnesses. for the love of God, Jared was taken from a show via ambulance in Greece, i think. then another show the audience had to sing because Jared had no voice to sing at all. they need a break & a long one at that. When theyre ready, they will come back, maybe do another CD & tour again. so thats my plan: minimal mourning (haha, yeah right) & MARS tats :) i really cant think of anything else to write at this point since the majority of this post wound up being, of couse, about MARS lol. so until i can think of something else interesting to write, i guess ill leave on that note.